Movie Review: Raavan

What works for Raavan: Stunning locales and amazing cinematography, innovative and unseen camera angles.

What doesn't work: everything else.

Raavan is a modern day version of the kidnapping of Sita, and her Agnipariksha, although the "rescue" here becomes an uneventful release. Beera (Mr Aishwarya Rai Bacchan) is part Naxalite, part Veerappan from a place that is as bewitching and beautiful as any in the world. He kidnaps the wife of a very handsome police officer (southie Vikram), planning to kill her 14 hours later (yes, they got the number right!) for revenge of his sister, a victim of police excesses. Inexplicably (how else do you justify him falling for someone who screams in constipated agony?) he falls in love, and 14 days later, decides to let her go. But the modern day Ram will not rest till he has finished Mission Eliminate Beera. He conspires to have her "follow her heart" to her beloved Raavan (yes, she switches loyalty faster than it takes the machine at Inox to dispense the coffee), follows her with some heavily armoured men (no, not tanks), and blows Beera to pieces.

But not before Beera keeps uttering his most inspirational dialogue (zhig zhig zhig zhig... accompanied by a vigorous shaking of head akin to someone trying to shake out the non-existent vuvuzela bees from his ears), dances like a man possessed amidst beautiful ruins of temples in the rain, smears haldi on his face in anguish over the death of his clan members, and generally makes you wish you could die in peace.

Not before Aishwarya reminds you it's time to go to the potty with her constipated cries of anguish (yes, I know I repeated this - but it's still relevant and true), tries hard to make her breasts fall out of her blouse (thankfully, she doesn't succeed) and does a Hrithik-like jig in her jeans, making you wonder if she's got a frog in her pants.

Not before... oh god, just leave it. I wanted to try and describe the torture of living through the song and dance sequences, but will defer it out of whatever little respect I have left for Rahman.

PLease go watch the movie, I don't want to be the only one having suffered through it.